To be a girlfriend

I was talking to a friend yesterday and I brought up the fact that I didn’t know what to write about and he told me “write about self isolation and the pandemic”. I am truly sorry I was not here to write to y’all earlier but I am here now. I am going to write about what is going on now.

Ive been trying to keep busy which I know a lot of you have but my version of keeping busy is staying on a tight schedule where I will do more than just sit on my bed all day. My goal for after this break is to be lighter, but also be a more put together and happy with myself person.

One of the things I discovered about myself over this break is that I need to be in a relationship in order to feel love. Now this doesn’t mean I’m not loved by family and friends, I know I am but the casualty is that I do not feel it. I recently ended a year long relationship with a boy I was madly in love with. This is not because I was no longer in love with him it was more on the fact that I fell in love with him when I was severely sick and now that I am in recovery I didn’t find myself growing while with him. I was just stuck being the same me when I could be a lot better. Anyway, I ended things on good terms but the thing is I now don’t feel loved. This wouldn’t be an issue if I could just love myself but due to past trauma that might take a while to do and I want to feel loved now. So my answer was to go to other people to love me and the problem is this is not a real answer. I am not going to be full just because someone calls me their girlfriend and that is a hard pill to swallow.

The answer is I have to be whole on my own.

I will not be completed by having someone to call mine, they will not simply fill me. I need to be whole on my own.

I don’t know if you needed to hear that but maybe you are in the same boat as me, maybe you are looking for people to fill you. They won’t.