Ghost of You

Something I think we can all agree with is grief is maybe the worst feeling in the world. But one of the most awful kinds of grief are when you grieve someone who is still living. I recently had to do this for a best friend.

A quote that comes to mind is..

"I still love the people I've loved even if I walk across the street to avoid them."

This struck a tender chord let me just say. Any, I'm going to tell you a story of my best friend who I know grieve the loss of on a daily.

I met this girl at one of my most vulnerable states, while I was being bullied. And she offered me kindness and a shoulder. At first I didn't take it, but after the bullying ended I turned to her in the aftermath. She became my closest friend all too fast and I was deeply attached to her. I loved her. And I don't know if there is a word for it but I loved her more than I could ever love a partner, more than I could ever love myself. I was not in love with her but I was something like it without the romantic capacity. Anyway, she was there, she was my best friend, my everything, my daily dose of love. I needed her more than my lungs needed air and I was obsessed with her. As the year went on, I got worse and worse. I fell into PTSD, my symptoms became very clear and vivid on my skin. I was battling with depression, PTSD, and anorexia. Although I romanticize those scenes in my head I will give you the clear idea. I was miserable. You don't want to be like me. I will not give you any ideas of what I did because I don't want you to follow me down the rabbit hole, the base is, depression is not a joke, PTSD is not a joke neither is any eating disorder or mental illness for that matter. I was so low I had to look up to see rock bottom and here is the absolute truth, I was not beautiful, I did not get extra attention for this, I didn't get more love for this. I felt alone all the time, I was the ugliest in heart and mind I had ever been, I was down for the count. This is not something I'm proud of, but I am trying to paint the picture in the colors it was in, so you understand that depression is not some "get love ticket!", it is a sickness.

So, where was I? Anyway I was falling into depressive and PTSD ridden habits. I was low and she was following me down. This is the bad part about choosing friends who do not know who they are yet, they can become you. She followed down my little paths, one step at a time foot after foot, me and her became the same worst version of us. We made bad decisions and felt awful about ourselves, we couldn't take care of ourselves and depended on the other person for everything. We were stuck together but in a nasty broken mold of all the awful things. We of course were still close, but we shut everyone else out.

We were stuck.

She eventually figured out our bad habit of taking the other person's sadness and anger and brokenness and adding it to our own worthless pile of hurt. She told me and I didn't want to believe her, which in turn began her disappearing act.

She began to space herself. She took a step back from who we were together and really looked at our relationship and what we did to each other. And she decided we needed a break.

Now the rest of the story is pretty straight forward. She left to go find herself and now I grieve her. Everyday. I write her letters she will never get and I see her in the hallway but she is no longer mine, no longer my heartbeat or favorite person. I can't have her back and that is to bitter to think about. She is not mine and I have to live with that but the real thing is, I treat it as if she were dead. I have said my goodbyes to her and now she inst in my life no matter how much I miss her.

If you have gone through the same thing of grieving a friend or loved one who is maybe or maybe not dead here are the 5 stages of grief and how to cope...

1) Denial. -Don't tell yourself they arent gone. Tell yourself they are and you can't change that. Stop replaying scenes in your head and wishing they were still there. You don't get to do moments over so you have to tell yourself they are gone and its ok.

2) Anger. -It is ok to be angry that they are gone, it is ok to be mad about the things you didn't say. The things you no longer have time for. Anger is a natural feeling, what you have to do is let yourself turn that anger into a productive thing, whether it be boxing, or working out, or drawing. Whatever it is that lets you let go of the anger you are holding onto.

3)Bargaining.- Repeat to yourself they are gone, and you can't bring them back no matter how hard you try.

4)Depression.-Its ok to be sad they are gone. On the days it is really rough, listen to your favorite music and watch something comforting. Its ok to have something that reminds you of them as long as it does not bring you down more. Take care of yourself and curl up warm and comfy until the sadness passes. It will eventually pass.

5)Acceptance.-They are gone, and its ok. The world still goes on no matter how hard you think it is to live without them.

Its ok to grieve even the people who are not dead. Its ok to be broken up over someone and to miss their existence in your life. But it can't determine your future. You will eventually live on, but for now, its ok to just grieve what you have lost. And its ok to still love them.